Breaking heart

Two years ago my two handsome nephews were taken out of their house by child protection service. I found out five days after they were taken and I flew to Kokomo. By flying I mean I dropped everything and drove as fast as I could. For all I knew they had been taken the day before. I got to the welfare department and they gave me a folder full of papers. She explained to me that I needed to fill out an application and have this paper signed by their mother. I gave the lady all the important info about the boys and what they loved to do. How to put them to sleep at night and how smart Dylan was. I did not know if they had gotten this info. A little note when you get my daughter you know how she likes to sleep and everything ( a detailed list). I wanted them to have this too. Anyway this lady, (Teresa) told me all I had to do was get the boy's Mom's signature. I looked her up got her to sign the paper and faxed it back in. I called the next day to make sure it had gotten there and was told that it had. They took my name and number every month for the last year. I was given tidbits of information and still every one is claiming they never heard of me.
In June of this year their mom contacted a relative. Please take the boys. They contacted me because they did not know what to do. I wanted the boys two years ago and would do anything to get them now. Problem they have been in the foster parent's home for 15 months. We met with the boy's mom and welfare. We were told to go file for guardianship and welfare would pull out. WRONG! Do not believe anything that welfare tells you. I have done everything that they have asked and they are not budging. The boy's caseworker called me and told me that Allen County would be here with in the week to do my home study. I worked my butt off and a few friends did too to get the house ready for the boys. The room is ready the closet is full of clothes.
My heart is breaking. I think mostly because I did not see them for 15 months I was getting accustomed to only praying for them and hoping they were in good hands. I was allowed to visit and did so two days a week since July. Yesterday they called and told me that I only have one visit with the boys a month. One visit a month! They said it would be more consistent. My heart is breaking. I know that GOD has a plan and I know that HE is in control. I know that the boy's are being taken care of. I am so thankful to them. But I can not stop thinking about not seeing their smiling faces on the holidays. I can not stop thinking about seeing them all dressed up in their costumes for halloween and hearing them sing songs about Jesus.

My heart hurts. My head is throbbing and the lump in my throat will not go away.

Beautiful Gift

I have been reflecting on the last nine years of my life alot lately. I think I have been reflecting alot because of the issues of the Election or maybe because my brother called to tell me he was writing a book to talk about my daughter and her allergies. My daughter is the love of my life. I love her so much sometimes I wonder what my life was like before her. I can not imagine nor do I want to entertain the ideas of life with out her. She has truly been the greatest blessing in my life. I tell you all this because of the circumstances in which she came about and hope that it encourages others with a similar story.

I have been a christian since I was 13 years old. I know what the Bible says about sex before marriage and outside of marriage. I swore and promised that I would save myself for my husband. When I started dating a man who thought he could just take what ever he wanted I told him he had to marry me. I told myself everyday that I loved him and was determined to make it work. Then he became abusive so after only 3 months of being married I moved out and for one year I tried to talk myself into a divorce. IN this year I found out I was pregnant. I was ecstatic and nervous. I would be tied to him forever now. How could I raise a baby with this man? I did not have to worry about it. 4 and a half months into my pregnancy I miscarried twins. I was devastated. But knew the verses about GOD having a plan for our lives and although I did not know that plan I found PEACE that only HE can give. I was told I had a 1 in 99 chance I would be able to have kids. I divorced him and tried to get back to the basics of my Christian faith.
In doing so I met a wonderful christian man, He did not grow up with the Bible but had found GOD in a rehabilitation center. He claimed to be a christain and who am I to judge. We started dating. I fell in love. I talked myself into compromising my morals because God would not have given me this great man to only take him away from me. He talked me into moving in with him to take the distance out of our relationship. I loved this man and his children. We went to church together and did couples devotions. A note here doing all these things while you are sinning(purposefully and knowingly) does not make your heart right with GOD actually your heart becomes more heavy because your eyes are SO open. I found out I was pregnant and I was so ecstatic. I did everything I was supposed to. We had our beautiful baby girl in July. I lived in the motions of being a family but knew there was one thing I was missing out on and that was my relationship with my most favorite guy(GOD, My heavenly Father). I asked him to marry me so that we could get our hearts right with GOD. HE (GOD) blessed us inspite of our sin. HE (GOD) loved me enough to give me the desires of my heart. HE (GOD ) Loved me enough to give me a miracle inspite of my sin. I had come to terms with not having my own child to hold and love from inside the womb till death. HE (GOD) gave me the bestest gift ever besides my salvation. HE loved me. The man of my dreams said he was not the marrying type. We split up, I was thinking we go our seperate ways and at the end of one year we will be married adn serving GOD together. That did not happen. I am a single mom, loving it and awaiting for the one GOD does have for me.
I write this because I have been hearing alot lately about people telling thier kids they were a mistake, a punishment and I want to be heard on this fact. A CHILD is not a punishment or a mistake it is a gift from GOD. Yes, HE does discipline us. Yes we may have a child out of wedlock, no matter what the circumstances and YES, we do have to pay the consequences. For me I think the consequence of down right disobeying GOD is the fact that I get to be a single mom and all those things that come with it. Not having a partner who can help out with the late night sicknesses, or maybe it is having to be mom and dad when the instant causes for a split second decision. I do not know but I do know that My beautiful daughter is not the consequence or the punishment. She is the most beautiful gift. SHe is honest and pure and you know what else she loves the LORD her GOD with all her heart. She inspires me to be a woman of GOD. She loves others unconditionally. I hope this gives all of you who are struggling with having a child out of wedlock or not at the "right time" a since of hope or maybe relief. YOU WERE BLESSED WITH THE GREATEST GIFT ON EARTH inspite of yourself. LOVE them, hold them, struggle through life with them but feel blessed. GOD chose you to raise them and love them. Inspite of your sin you were blessed. HE LOVES YOU !!!!!!

Listening to the deep freeze

Tonight has been an interesting night of learning for me. I asked my 5 year old buddy if he had any popsicles (we were at his house). A little background, my 8 year old daughter and him are gonna get married someday that is if you ask them. They have it all figured out but anyway back to the Popsicle in the freezer. My Daughter Bonesi, if you will, has been fighting a cold all day and J wanted to take care of her. He asked her what she wanted for bed night snack. She said something cold. She really wanted yogurt but J informed her that if she was sick it could give her diarrhea. I said well I do not know about that because she just has a cold but it could make her more congested he said oh yah that too. I am not sure if he knows the difference between congestion and constipation but the answer made him feel better the same. So Bonesi asked J, " Do you have any Popsicles." J said, "Let me check." I stood back to observe since he can not get the door on the deep freeze opened and can not reach the freezer on top of the fridge I wondered how he was going to check with out my help. Much to my surprise, he knows freezer talk. He put his ear up to the deep freeze and said, "Yes, we have some." I do not know how he did it but there were two boxes in the freezer. When asked if he remembered his mommy buying some he simply stated: " No, you can not hear them in there." I have been listening (after he went to bed of course) but still can not hear the box of Popsicles talking. Oh to be five again.

why John Mccain and Gov. Sarah Palin should be elected via 8yrs old and a 5 year old

I am fortunate to be a stay at home mom. I get to homeschool my daughter. I have the oppurtunity to watch friend's children and feel honored that they trust me with the most important people in their lives. I am so excited to sit back and watch as they learn new things. I sit and listen to them and learn. Learning that John McCain was going to win the election because he cares about Joe the Plumber and that Sarah Palin homeschools her kids like Starr. Maybe everyone wil get to stay home and get schooled. I think they all like that idea because then everyone's parents will not work. Smart little boogers.

I have been hooked

For the last few months I have spent restless nights reading blogs. Yesterday as I was reading my most favorite blog Happy go mommy by Amy Saleik, my daughter asked me why I don't blog. I simply stated what would I write about. My wise Daughter said oh mom you have a lot to say. I chased her around the house and when I finally caught her tickled her till she had to go to the bathroom. Late last night while she was away at a brownie sleep over (her first with people I have not thouroughly checked out) therefor the sleepless night. I decided that maybe she was right so I am looking for fun interesting things to share. So I am hooked on reading and being inspired by other people's blogs maybe I can inspire a few too.